34 rue Lutetia

Am I really that OLD?
34 years and 17 days?

Well, as my life slips away without my noticing, let's reflect on 1 pertinent issue impacting what things would be like if God picked me up and hurled me into the French student ministry situation
- at this very moment of who I am and where I am in life.
________________
{replicated from a recent Note on my Facebook page}

Well, I know where I'm meant to be for the moment. 3 trips to Paris plus 1 trip to Strasbourg have helped to clarify it. So did a meeting with CMS in July this year.

A number of issues are at stake here, some of which will be discussed in future - though in random order. Solitude and loneliness, for one..
* because, when I go, I think it most likely that I will go alone.

Not that I won't know anyone - in fact, I'll be better off than most people I know who might go in my stead, because whenever I've been in France I've managed to make new friends among the locals.

What I mean is that if I go, I'm likely to go by myself - sent by a sending organisation, but without ready companionship in my langue maternelle. Because, simply put, I've been single all my life, & now that I'm past 30 it becomes rarer and rarer for Christian girls such as me to end up married.
And I am really, really OK with that, unless God isn't at some point in the future!! So no sympathy is required here..
;)


What implications does this have?
Let me paint a recent picture for you:
When in Strasbourg, I was part of a small team of fantastic people
- 3 French, 1 Italian, 1 Australian (who by virtue of having lived in France since 1991 is practically French anyhow).
Our principal interactions/communications, therefore, were in French.
And I was really, really OK with that, too..
..except for the time difference.

By 2PM each day (10PM AEST) I would be, well, let's say quite sleepy. Trying to concentrate in a 2nd language (French, for me) as well as concentrating on staying awake...something had to give.
So on a number of occasions in the afternoons, when my 3 French team-mates chattered to each other in French, I ended up not switching into the conversation due to exhaustion; this meant that I didn't really participate and therefore isolated myself. And yes, that isolation was hard - but don't forget the fatigue factor..

Thus the sense of isolation and loneliness could be quite strong, owing to my opting-out of the conversations at certain "down-times" in the afternoon.
Please be aware, however, that this was no-one's fault. No-one was to blame. (I always had the feeling my level of French surpassed their level of English, so it was more convenient for everyone that we operated in French.) Yet it was tiring - so very tiring.

In hindsight, I don't believe I am yet ready to cope with that level of isolation or loneliness in the long term.

Now I liked my French team-mates, I miss them all more than they probably know or care, I'd do another week with them in a heartbeat. But coping with long-term interactions in French (or any other 2nd language) - I think it would take around 2 years to get over the sense of loneliness and isolation
- the feeling that there's no-one in your own age bracket who you can really, really just talk to because of the existing language barriers.


And then, one backtracks - because what about God?

Am I saying, somehow, that God is not enough for me?
That He is not up to the task of dispelling any loneliness or isolation I might have to handle?
That He is not Someone whom I can really, really talk to without any language barriers?
Is it that I am not dependent enough on Him?
Not willing enough to rely fully on Him, to let Him be the companionship I know I'd need if I went back to France long-term?
Or is it none of this, and I'm simply just discovering my own limitations?

And yet in twisting and turning through all of this, I know the needs in France, the lostness of the people, the difficulties faced by those who serve full-time as ministers of the gospel. These things sharpen more into focus every time I visit.
So would I be willing, in the end, to face even the threat of loneliness and isolation for the sake of advancing the kingdom of our God and of His Christ?

L/T.